Is there something in the water???

Honestly, is there???
In the last 2 1/2 months, I have had two friends diagnosed with Breast Cancer... One friend actually was there for me when I went through it 10yrs ago.. 10 yrs.. has it really been that long?? Actually up until recently.. It had seemed like a life time ago that I knocked on deaths door... It's a time in my life, that I have tried so hard to stash away in the back, on a shelf, that I never visit... I will never be able to forget... It's always there in the back of my head... I never know what will trigger it to come forth, but it always does, and as quickly as I can... I push it right to the back again.. Until the next trigger...
This is something that I did, even when I was slap dab in the middle of all the Hell... But, was this a smart thing to do??? Did I ever really deal with it like I should have?? Sometimes, I think that maybe, I tried to be too strong, so that my kids would not know how much their mom was really hurting. My kids were in 2nd and 5th grades at the time of my diagnoses..I felt they were to young to have to deal with such a grown up issue... Of course I told them.. I had to.. I had No other choice.. There mom was gonna be bald for over a year..
So I sucked it up and plowed straight ahead.. I continued to work full time.. Thank God for an office job...
But, now 10yrs later... I am questioning the way I handled everything.. I know there really isn't a right and a wrong way, because everyone is different.. And I sure wasn't handed a manual on how to handle being diagnosed with 2 cancers, how to handle it all with your kids, your boyfriend (at the time..husband now), the loss of my main identity... my HAIR...... all at the tender age of ...30
But, now that I have had two friends diagnosed.. I seem to fall apart..
Dianna was there for me from the time I got the life changing news...till now.. She saw the good, the bad, and the bald...
Dianna went in to have surgery.. so I bought her a little gift, and a card to surprise her at the hospital before they took her back.. But, once I was there, it took all I had to hand her the gift, give her a hug, and tell her good luck and then excuse myself... Once I made it out to the hallway... I lost it... I don't remember ever crying that hard, especially in front of someone.. I was so mad at myself.. I had come there to show support for Dianna... and I loose it.... WHY????
And that brings me back to the question of... did I not come to terms with my own diagnoses 10 yrs before.. Is that why I have such a hard time discussing cancer with anyone.. Let along someone whom I'm close with....
And it's not just that... A co-worker of my husbands passed away last week.. As any wife would.. I went with him for moral support.. I don't think that I mentioned.. that this co-worker... was 33 yrs old, and a mom... All I did was glance, that's all it took.. I told my husband, I'm sorry.. I'll meet you out front... All I could see was myself... That could have been me.. I know.. It wasn't... But, it doesn't stop me from thinking that it could have been.. and what if either one of my cancers come back.. It could be me...
I just don't know.. maybe, I should have dealt with things more openly and I wouldn't have all these triggers...
I guess for the rest of my life... I could say "What if" about everything...